


Whole

by cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Ace Beth Week, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:11:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus/pseuds/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ace Beth Week fic. Depression mentioned, allusions to noncon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whole

Paul had made her feel like a failure, never rising to the occasion, never able to give him what he needed. She had tried, of course, thinking the problem was that she lacked a key something that everyone else had: desire, passion, love, some intangible quality that was holding her back.

She had tried numerous things to trick herself and Paul into thinking she was different; downing a bottle of wine before Paul got home to loosen up, mimicking the enthusiasm she saw in movies and television, telling herself she wanted it and needed it and trying to believe it.

But Beth knew that wasn’t who she was, this wasn’t what she wanted. When she forced herself to give in to Paul’s wishes - which she did regularly because she loved Paul and didn’t want him to realize he deserved better - she would lay there, her mind far away, unable to engage beyond the occasional forced smile when their eyes locked for brief moments.

She cried herself to sleep many nights, wondering why she was so different, and why this didn’t come easy to her. Everyone around her seemed to crave it, but she only dreaded Paul’s advances, his touches, his desires. It seemed as if she could never be happy, forever stuck in this trap of self-hate, of feeling less than whole, of never being enough.

Then, she met Ali. Ali in her cute pink jumpsuits and her bouncy ponytail. Despite Beth’s hesitancy and Ali’s rigidity, they had hit it off right away. Their friendship grew over beers and sports games, and soon the seed of something more was planted.

Their first kiss was late one night, after a bad movie and some ice cream. Alison had let her ice cream drip onto her chin, and Beth brushed it off with her thumb, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her sweet lips. As they parted, Alison had smiled and Beth felt she was safe here with her.

But soon after, Beth realized the point in their relationship they had reached, and she began to pull away, worried that Ali wouldn’t want her anymore because she wasn’t normal, wasn’t the way she should be. For a few weeks Beth avoided intimacy with Ali in hopes of putting off the inevitable; but Ali was smarter than that.

Alison sat Beth down, having finally guessed at what was wrong. Beth cried as she explained that there was something wrong with her, and that she wasn’t good enough for Ali to waste her time staying with her any longer. Ali let Beth talk and cry, and when she couldn’t go on, Ali held her tight in her arms.

Ali explained that there was nothing wrong with Beth, she wasn’t abnormal, she wasn’t missing anything, she wasn’t less than. There was nothing wrong with Beth’s asexuality, and it didn’t make Ali love her any less. Ali promised to always love her, and made Beth promise to never feel like she wasn’t good enough, because she was perfect to Ali.

Beth began to feel happy again after that, began to love life and love herself. Beth was proud of who she was, and Ali never made her feel incomplete, never pressured her, never asked for more. And Beth was herself again, whole again, alive again.


End file.
